The Power of Vulnerability

Warning! This is a REALLY LONG post via yilovewomen.com

This week I read The Gifts of Imperfection, a book by Dr. Brene Brown who researches vulnerability and shame at the University of Houston. Brene knows how to put things into perspective. See I can talk to you all day about positivity, manifestation, the law of attraction, neuroscience, being happy, living your dream, and falling in love. Those words are light and feel good, as they should. But facts are facts, not everything in life is easy.  If it was all easy you wouldn’t know what to enjoy. Life is about celebrating the peaks and appreciating the valleys.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to skip over the hard stuff, but it just doesn’t work. We don’t change, we don’t grow. and we don’t move forward without the work. If we really want to live a joyful, connected, and meaningful life, we must talk about the things that get in the way” (The Gifts of Imperfection)

The Image

You know what I’m talking about.

New clothes, nice cars, flashy money, status, popularity, big houses, and even bigger egos.

“We don’t talk about the hustle for worthiness that’s become such a part of our lives that we don’t even realize that we’re dancing.” (T.G.O.I)

There is this ‘image’ perpetrated in the media that defines what a Guy is supposed to be and what a Lady is supposed to be. Words like masculine, feminine, strong, weak, pink, blue, handsome, pretty, dominating, and subservient come to mind. I think you can figure which words belong to each stereotype. Do you know what a stereotype is? It is a socially constructed image used to encourage conformity. It’s f*cking criminal at it’s worst and shady at it’s best.

This isn’t stuff that happened over night. It’s evolved with time, so to all those conspiracy theorists your wrong. A lot of it stemmed from the days when women were treated more like slaves than as um women. I read this great book (sorry I can’t remember the title) in my freshman sociology class about the social construction of gender roles. It was enlightening. For example, did you know blue and pink being associated with boys and girls started as a marketing ploy? Did you know diamond rings did not become popular until de Beers paid Hollywood to put them into movies?

Mental Traps

Like most people in this world, I grew up caring too much. Caring about tomorrow, caring about yesterday, caring what people thought of me, caring about rejection, and caring about the clothes I wore. I was a mental slave, trapped in my own mind, chained down by fear of the unknown, always missing out on life as I tried to be someone other than myself.

Trying to live an image creates a mental trap where you beat yourself up over trying to be something that is completely unrealistic.

“we’re not thin enough, we’re not smart enough, we’re not pretty enough or fit enough or educated or successful enough, or rich enough–ever” (T.G.O.I.)

I think on the image front, ladies have it worse than guys. Our society has created this image that a women is to be lusted after instead of cared for and loved. Ladies are pressured to accept that the only thing that counts is your appearance. Unlike dudes, ladies have to impress guys and compete with girls. Dudes simply have to impress girls. We don’t have to impress other dudes. Girls have to impress guys and compete with girls. And yall compete. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hung out with groups of girls who will go all passive aggressive on each other when there is a guy present that they each want attention from.

I don’t get it.

It’s absurd. Most girls know it’s absurd. Yet we still do it. It has become so culturally ingrained it’s like wait, I do that? Women can think? They do that? huh…..

“Comparison is all about conformity and competition” (T.G.O.I)

Think about it, as a country we compare how other countries are doing but we don’t take care of our own problems at home. As a community families compare how other parents raise their kids instead of focusing on their own kids. It’s because we have stopped looking in the mirror. We look everywhere for approval but the only place you find approval is within yourself. Ask yourself who am I competing against?

Back in the day, I was always hurting on the inside. I honestly thought it wasn’t okay to be me. Worst of all, I felt ashamed. Being ashamed will keep you from flourishing. You have to remove all self-doubt and embrace vulnerability to become to person you want to be.

Have No Fear

~If Vulnerability were a diver she would step out onto the edge of a cliff, take in a breath of sweet sea water, jump gracefully into the air, and break the plane of the sea without so much as a splash to see~

For better or worse, I’ve always been proud of my sister. Now I didn’t say I’ve always enjoyed her presence, because let’s be honest she can be a bigger pain in the ass than my dad. But…my dad and my sister are beautiful people. And I LOVE beautiful people. By beautiful, I mean beautiful on the inside because that’s the beauty that counts in my book. Part of what makes them so beautiful is that they don’t give a f*ck what you think. Never have and never will. I think that’s richeous.

Growing up, I think my sister felt alienated a lot because she valued education and doing her best. How many other kids acted like that? Very few. Everyone else, myself included, was like school sucks -which it kinda does. We didn’t just say school sucks and go on with our day. We had to minimize the smart kids. We had to act big so they seemed small. We judged, hated, bullied, and shamed ‘those’ kids. The funny thing is the people in life who try to make others small are just expressing their own embarrassment and inability to accept themselves.

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging” (T.G.O.I.)

Ever go to a club, school dance, or party where EVERYONE is too afraid to dance? That’s because their ashamed they will be judged. If you want to find the people most comfortable in their own skin look for the crazy dancers who act like there’s no tomorrow. {Side-note: I breakdance.} Shame and the anxiety that come with it make people feel like their never good enough. The truth is you are good enough. You came into being for a reason and no one can take that away from you. Regardless, we all need friends with whom we can talk it out.

Talk it out

I used to be an internalizer. I am like 80% introverted and 20% extroverted so it was natural for me to hide away my shame and feelings. These days I embrace vulnerability which just means I can tell you or anyone else how I am feeling anytime, anyplace. That’s tough s#it for a lot of people. It’s why support groups like A.A. exists. People have a hard time letting the hurt go.

“I’ve spent most of my life trying to outrun vulnerability and uncertainty” (T.G.O.I)

In her book, Brene references her friends. And by friends, I reference the peoples you trust with your weirdest and most vulnerable thoughts. She writes about how important it is to have someone who will listen to you and embrace you.You can’t keep thing held up inside. Problems will consume you one way or another. Brene references Dr. Hartling’s research on what shame does to people:

“Some of us move away by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, and keeping secrets. Some of us move toward by seeking to appease and please. And, some of us move against by trying to gain power over others, by being aggressive, and by using shame to fight shame.” (T.G.O.I)

I have two best friends that I talk to weekly. We make the time to talk to each because we made a pact. We push each other to be our best and serve as support for when someone needs it. We each have our own dreams. But staying focused is hard work. Drama, exhaustion, school, girls, life. It all gets in the way. They are who I turn to when I need a confidence booster shot.

“connection [is defined] as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship”

We have that kind of connection. Even neuroscience will tell you humans are hardwired for connection.

What Matters Most?

One day I am going to die. I am going to be on my death bed and remember all the things I held dear. My memories, friends, family, and the love of my life. I won’t remember the shoulds and should nots, the needs, has tos, and don’ts.  I will, however, remember what I valued most. I will remember living in the truth of my own self. I will remember living my dream and realizing the possibilities in life are limitless. I will be proud of the person I was and how I treated others.   I will be honored to have had the opportunity to love myself. I will be filled with joy that my actions and words worked to make my part of the world a better place. I will be proud that I made my bed and didn’t let someone make it for me. I will be happy that I didn’t take life so seriously and laughed all along the way. For it is a fact, no one gets out alive. I will be amazed at how something so small could inspire someone to dream so big.  I will reflect on how nothing went according to plan, yet everything felt just right.

“Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality beings a sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose”

In a way I’ve lied to you. Everything that underlies what I know in life I attribute to my spirituality. I consider myself extremely spiritual. Not religious, Spiritual. From my understanding, life is beautiful and everything is in the form of love. You may ‘perceive’ something differently but really your alignment is off. All I see when I look out into the world is good and great. So don’t knock me. I love what I see. And If you try and ask me to explain I will respond with impossibility. It is impossible to explain how I feel for how can’t words explain something so real. Words are but a fence built around the thought but they never explain what in the backyard.

“As long as we’re creating, we’re cultivating meaning” (T.G.O.I)

“Sharing our gifts and talents with the world is the most powerful source of connection with God.” (T.G.O.I)

What matters most to me is creating happiness and joy. Whether it’s sitting in a computer lab or fooling around in bed, Life Should Be Fun. I love nerdy things and thought it was so cool Brene wrote about the Greek definitions for happiness and joy.  Happiness is “the freedom of the rich from normal cares and worries, or to describe a person who received some good fortune”  and joy is “the good mood of the soul…Joy is something, the ancient Greeks tell us, that is found only in God and come with virtue and wisdom. [...] They say its opposite is not sadness, but fear.”

Practice Makes Perfect

Stripped away you find me bear, please do not beware, for at my core I am now true, and can live without the blue.

This week I wanted to be like here’s how to be vulnerable. Just do this and everything will be okay. Unfortunately, life just can’t always be like a disney movie. For me practicing yoga/meditation is key. All day my mind races. It’s an endless chatterbox that drives me crazy.  To stop mine from beating me down, I’ve have to slow it down. I’ve cut so much fluff out of my life it’s incredible. By doing less, I’m living more. When i meditate it’s like I’m gardening. I weed out all the thoughts so I can’t plant the seeds I want to bloom. I begin to exist in this suspended space. I just am. There are no thoughts. There is but this feeling of loving connectedness I call bliss. When I listen hard enough to the silence I hear god the clearest. That’s usually when I start laughing. I’ve hit nirvana and I suspect the people who have not done yoga with me before are like dudes crazy. Fact is meditation changes brain structure. Skeptics read science here, here, orhere.

Here’s where practice comes into play. Vulnerability comes at us everyday, it’s about engaging yourself and jumping off that cliff into the great beyond. We are always making choices. Coffee or tea, jeans or shorts, study or chill with friends. All I can do is encourage you to make a conscious choice to let go of whatever it is that is holding you back.

I do have one piece of advice. It’s more crude than Brene’s guidelines and it’s not about trying yoga but It’s a mantra that always hits home for me.

Three words, Twelve letters, One period.

F*ck That S#it.

Please do understand I grew up in a household where f*ck was a noun, verb, and common adjective.You can file a complaint with my dad here.

The best teachers in life can only make you look in the mirror. They can only suggest you read that book or study that handout from lecture. The work must be done by you and YOU alone. So look yourself and the mirror and say: F*ck That S#it. I’m going to be me.

Courage the Big Red Dog

?”The question is not who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me.”~Ayn Rand~

My friend Andrew would be proud I posted a quote about Ayn Rand, dude is OBSESSED. Moving on, Did you know the original meaning of the word courage is “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart”?

Neither did I.

“We’ve lost touch with the idea that speaking honestly and openly about who we are, about what we’ re feeling, and about our experiences (good and bad) is the definition of courage”  (T.G.O.I)

I love my life because I’ve learned to f*ck that s#it. I no longer stand under the umbrella of conformity. I deviate from the course of rectitude. I’m vulnerable, I’m real, I have no fear, and I’m here to stay. I have courage and I believe in myself.  If you need someone to lean on, lean on me.

Courage has to be practiced like anything else. Stand up for yourself. If your parents want you to be a doctor and you want to be a florist tell them. If your boyfriend treats you poorly, tell him to f*ck off. You deserve to be treated right. As M.L.K. say speak or be spoken for.

“There’s risk involved in putting your true self out int the world. But I believe there’s even more risk in hiding yourself and your gifts from the world.”

Draw a Line in the Sand

“Caution: if you trade in your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.” (T.G.O.I)

I remember being on the playground in elementary school and watching someone draw a line in the dirt. They then double-dared the other kid not to cross the line.

“One of the greatest (and least discussed) barriers to compassion practice is the fear of setting boundaries and holding people accountable” (T.G.O.I)

The kid huffed, puffed, and backed away.

When I sat down to think about boundaries that memory popped into my head. Amazing things happen when you draw a line in the sane and refuse to let people cross it. You remove yourself from being a victim. You begin to bathe in compassion. When you wash in the waters of compassion you grow comfortable with limits. You can’t let people walk over you. Learning your limits is a huge part of being vulnerable.

“Compassionate people are boundaried people…The heart of compassion is really acceptance.” (T.G.O.I)

It took my a long time to accept my boundaries and now I have peace of mind. I used do everything for everyone but myself.

“Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance.” (T.G.O.I)

I wanted to be ‘perfect’ but that was just part of the image. Perfection is found in appreciation for everything you have from the fresh air, sweet fruit, and indoor plumbing.

When I think about people as they are and people as they want to be, I find the biggest disconnect to lie in the area of vulnerability.

Unless you can be real with yourself, how can you expect to be real with another person?

Honestly, you can’t.

If you don’t have limits how can you work with another person to build a great realtionship?

Honestly, you can’t.

Vulnerability is a huge part of why so many relationships fail. Too many of us hold back on our true thoughts and emotions because we are afraid. I can’t hold back anymore. My life is about all or nothing and I’m all in. That’s why I’m dedicating next week to communication in relationships. However, if you really need to focus on vulnerability, buy Brene’s books or google her speeches. She is uber-chill.

the End

At the end of the day you have to ask yourself what’s most important.

Is it, “letting go of what people think or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?”

Thanks for listening,

p.s. I Heart You

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